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Daily Living
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Date:2006-05-26 21:48
Subject:A poem I wrote for no reason...
Mood:Burger King

I took apart your record player, put it on the shelf
Thought about the mass amounts of vinyl we would melt
Each piece now laid as part of our entertainment scheme
Still intact when close together, but spread apart they seemed

And I remember moments when you looked me in the eye
Squared me there and told me that you’d never wondered why
Everything was perfect and the gears turned just as planned
Walking blindy all the while as you took me by the hand

But now the fragments spread shelfwide, all in disarray
Like cats part of a litter that have now all gone astray
Or a mirror that has broken with it’s range of ill reflection
I spread the pieces further and permit no retrospection

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Date:2004-07-11 22:59
Subject:I Might Be Back...
Mood: contemplative

So I haven't updated in years, not literally of course, but it's close. Anyways, I got tired of looking deep into myself, because when I did it before I just ended up confusing things even more. I am not smart enough to interpret my own thoughts, so I'm not going to attempt to do it anymore. I was just looking through some of my closet stored thingies and came across some showboxes filled with crap. It's always crazy and kind of fun to look back at old belongings and remember things that you used to do. I did that, but that's not all I did. I came across a whole pile of notes wrapped in a rubber band. The notes were all of the handwritten letters I had been given from Amanda and Amber Bentley. Well, I ended up reading through all of them and in turn I realized how stupid I was. There really aren't any other words to use besides stupid, because that's what I was. I was so caught up in a false "love" that I took two perfect friendships for granted. I know that I was in the wrong with almost everything I did back then, and it upsets me. It upsets me because I could have been a better friend. It hurts to look back into the past and see the regrettable things you have done. But the fact that it's in the past is comforting. I am glad that I haven't been "stupid" in a long time, and I doubt that I will ever go through such a situation again. Anyways, that's enough of that...

I find that when I am busy I don't think enough, and that is why I haven't written on here in a very long time. I have been preoccupied with work mostly, and just other things more important that computers. I understand however that when I first started using my journal and writing alot in it is when I really needed it, it's when I needed to get my thoughts out. The reason was that I was thinking too much. I was in too many awkward situations with friends and family that I had to have someone to tell. When I write in this journal, it feels like I'm telling everyone in the world, and I basically am. Only a few people choose to read it. I don't necesarily need this journal now. It is still good for me to sit down and write every once in a while, or to post a poem, but I just don't have a need to expound on my thoughts. I have a better grasp on most things now, which usually comes with growing up, that I don't have to think as hard as I used to. I'm not saying that livejournal is a bad thing, because it's not, it helped me get out somethings that were taking up needed space in my head.

It's almost time for me to go to college, and I'm ready to leave. But I'm not going to say that I hate my parents and that I've been wanting to move out since the beginning of high school, because it's not true... but I'm just ready now. I'm tired of sitting around being taken care of, I need to start taking care of myself. I just learned the other day how to iron and wash my clothes. Hahaha, a little overdue I would say. I also need to move from a place of following my parents faith into having my own personal faith in God. I know that this is real, but I'll get a chance to verify that and make it personal. Ryan Wilkins is my roommate, but I only know that much about him. We'll have to see how this all works out. I've been working to save money not for books amd tuition, but for spending money. I'm very blessed to have parents who will pay for my college.

I'm losing weight, not because I'm depressed or on a diet, I'm just losing weight. I do eat a lot less than I used to a year ago, less food at meals, no snacks in between, no desert, less eating out, less soda, more juice, more salad, just a bunch of things like that. I'm also a little more active than I was before, but I want to be even more active. At college I am going to start exercising a lot more. I'm definitely not gaining the freshmen fifteen, I'm losin it. Everyone says that I look slim and thin and whatever, but don't worry, I'm still a big loveable giant!

Speaking of being a big loveable giant, I am finally started to get a grips on how to be Jesus to other people. A lot of you may know me as a nice guy, but that was only because you were nice to me too. Now I understand that I have to be nice to everyone, including mean people. I would have realized that a long time ago if I had read this Matthew 5:43-48:

You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.'But
I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you
may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil
and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love
those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors
doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than
others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly
Father is perfect.

Now I get it though, and I love it! I love being nice to people, I love loving people! Haha, that sounds funny, but it's true. It really surprises mean people when you are nice to them. They expect you to try and fight back, why not give an encouraging word? I think it's fun to be nice to people. It's taken me a while to get to that point, but It's attainable, you can get there too. You should try it out, it's given me joy that I've never had before.

Anyways, that's just a bunch of things that I thought I would write. I actually wanted to put something down on here because of how long I've gone without writing. And also because two of you said that you missed me and my posts. I'll have to try harder to get more up.

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Date:2004-07-07 22:49
Mood: tired

I don't think you miss me. Do you miss me?

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Date:2004-05-09 21:30
Mood: amused

Wind, wind, blowing wind,
Where is the blowing wind?
I don't know, neither do you,
So let's go out and you come too,
and find the wind.

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Date:2004-05-07 23:09
Subject:Do You Feel Like Dancing With Me Tonight?
Mood: intimidated

Do you feel like smiling?
Do you feel like leaving?
Do you feel like thinking?
Do you feel anything at all?

I'll keep trying until you breathe,
That's all it would take for me to leave,
Or it could be what makes me stay,
And hope for no more breathless days.

Your voice is the knot in my stomach,
Your face is the glassiness in my eyes,
Your smile is my nervous laughter,
You alone are my intimidation.

All we are is two confused, lonely souls,
Kids without a pupose to have faith in love,
We want to let go, We want to hold on,
We have no idea what we want anymore.

I realize that you don't want it this way,
But do you really want it any other way?
The answer is easier than the question,
If you'll only find the right words to say.

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Date:2004-05-06 21:13
Subject:A Million Reasons...
Mood: enthralled

I don't pretend to know all there is to know,
In hopes that someday it will be revealed to me,
The purpose for my life will eventually show,
And I might even use these eyes to see.

Then I'll open my eyes and look around,
Turn my ear to hear the beautiful sound,
Of your grace and your love echoing down,
And I'll thank God that I finally found a way.

You can fill my heart with visions of truth,
I can throw away my pride and trust in you,
You will welcome me like a new born son,
I will rest in the security of the rising sun.

I've heard that you've loved me forever,
but I don't understand why or how or what
made you want me as a part of your family,
I guess there's no reason to argue.

But there is a million reasons to believe.
A million reasons to recieve, to trust, to love,
To repent, to praise, to give thanks to God above.
To believe in the only One who believed in me.

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Date:2004-05-05 18:07
Subject:A New Poem...
Mood: good

My life can be so messed up,
I wish that I would just shut up and listen to you.

These days are all so crazy,
I’m tired of being lazy, I know what I should do.

If I open my heart and let you in
This thing called life would begin again
And maybe I will understand

That there’s more than hope,
There’s more than wealth,
There’s more than any dream come true in you.
There’s more than sex,
There’s more than drugs,
There’s more than rock and roll where you are.

This world has nothing I need,
But it seems to think it could be all that I desire.

So I’ll drop all I’m doing now,
Grab a hold of you somehow and never let go.

If I open my heart and let you in,
This thing called life then begin again,
And maybe I will understand.

That there’s more than hope,
There’s more than wealth,
There’s more than any dream come true in you.
There’s more than sex,
There’s more than drugs,
There’s more than rock and roll where you are.

And I know that life will get me down,
I gotta stay up and not fall down to the ground
And the things I see will get in the way,
But I won’t let them take me away from you,
I’m ready for that day you’ll appear,
When people will bow and lend their ear to you,
Oh lord.

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Date:2004-04-22 15:21
Mood: annoyed

Everyone's doing it, and since I always follow the crowd, I thought I'd do it too. I want you to ask me three questions. They could be anything at all, but hopefully they will help you understand something about me that you didn't know before. I hope a lot of people ask, because I'm willing to answer. There's the invitation. Go for it.

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Date:2004-04-11 20:47
Subject:Long Time No See...
Mood: blah

I haven't posted for a long time, hmmmmm. Almost a month and a half, or so. I've pretty much just been goin to school, hanging out with John, Steph, Danielle, Nick, and Lindsey, and watching hockey. It's finally the playoffs and I love it. Ummmm, I don't have new poems to post right now if that's what you like to read. I know this is a journal for myself but I just try to enertain people with it, when I use it. I really don't know what else to say. A lot has happened lately, but it's too much to write down, and it's not necesarily too important. Call me or IM me or comment on this if you want to talk. You could even come to my house if you know where I live. Well hey, that's it. Should I have even posted this? I'm gonna go watch some more hockey.

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Date:2004-02-26 16:46
Subject:Three Things To Think Through...

So I've got three very important things to share about.

First things first. I must start by warning you. Hide your children, sell your belongings, stock food in the cellar, and beware of small black bottles... that's right, the Axe War 2004 has begun. It all started when Brian had left his bottle of axe deoderant in his bag without a lid on it. Later in the day he started to smell something like cologne, and it turned out that the bottle of axe had been pushed up against a book and soaked his bag with smelly spray. After that he gave me the bottle because he didn't want it to happen again. So at the end of school I was standing in the main lobby by the hall and I was just spraying everyone I knew with the axe. I'd say, "Hey, what's up?" and then just totally spray axe up in there business. It was freakin hilarious, or at least Sabra thought so. So this one guy I got, Justin Miller, didn't take it lightly. After the basketball game that night, tuesday night, he chased me down in the parking lot, grabbed a hold of me, and unloaded a whole bottle of that crap all over me. It's on now. The next day I had it at lunch and I and everyone at my table were having fun just spraying people that walked by, it was awesome. I decided that I wanted to get Ryan Keep's hair with it, but I couldn't do it discretely, so I just sprayed it straight on the back, and he knew. He wrestled with me for the bottle until he got it from me, and then proceeded to spray the axe of a "certain" area of my pants for about 10 seconds. Man, too much of that stuff gives harsh headaches. So now I have to get Justin Miller back. Not Ryan though, I think we're equal now. But I need a good plan for Justin... like finding out where his locker is and filling it with axe or something. I'll figure something out.

Now for the second thing. This is a funny story too, but it's also one of the stupidest things I've ever done. Ever. I went to Fred Myer's after school yesterday to buy the new blindside cd, and when I put my park and hopped out, locking the door, I realized i had left something in the car. My keys. But that's not the worst part. The keys were still in the ignition, and the car was still running. I went into Freddie's to ask for some help, but they just laughed at me and sent me to the locksmith in the parking lot. Wellll, he was just going to charge me 25 dollars that I didn't have, so he said, and I quote, "Man, that's a bummer deal, with it running and everything. Sorry I can't help you!" How stupid. But then again my stupidity brought me to that point, so who am I to call someone stupid? From there I went back into Freddie's, and someone was nice enough to get me a wire hanger. I used that to break into my car, which was really very easy, and I got my keys. What's also pretty funny is that while I was breaking into my car, two people that I knew drove right by. What an experience... that I don't ever want to have to deal with again. Except breaking in, that was kind of fun, and you get a sense of heroism and coolness when you do spy stuff. If you can classify that as spy stuff.

Third and last. I am going to go see The Passion of the Christ tonight. In a movie theater. This will be the first movie I'll have ever seen in a movie theater. This is a milestone in my life... or is it? I guess I'm getting kind of apprehensive about the whole thing. I feel like I'm disobeying my parents, even though they said its ok. It's just because they've never let me go to a movie in a theater ever before. This is different though, this movie is a different situation. I'm excited to see it, not just because it's in a theater, but because it looks like it will be an amazing movie. I have heard mixed reviews about it, but the majority I've heard are positive. Extremely positive. So I'll just have to wait until I can find out for myself tonight. I've already read the book, and I doubt that the movie will be better, but we'll see how it goes.

That's it for now.

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Date:2004-02-17 22:09
Subject:“Silence was ugly, it was black, it leered, it was cancerous, it was death.”
Mood: exanimate

This here is a poem that I wrote for an English assignment. I wrote it while considering the quote mentioned above. Enjoy if you would like.

The silence between us never ends,
I find myself crying over lost friends,
That I never speak to anymore,
The air is tense and my mind is sore.

This prison that I live in is dry,
Company is scarce and hard to come by,
I want to be free and to share with you,
A million things, all exciting and new.

But I’m dying as slowly as my fears,
I’ve suffered for far too many years
Without you and your voice of relief,
All I have left is this hatred and grief.

These walls are closing in tight,
It’s getting harder to sleep at night,
The more I think about this still quiet,
All I am wants to raise up a riot.

Now my soul is a withering rose,
Subject to the worst of death throes,
The petals soon rest on the ground,
Hidden in silence to never be found.

What once started as simply a rule,
Turned out to be unusual and cruel,
So in silence this body will surely die,
Lying to rest beneath a blackened sky.

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Date:2004-02-11 22:22
Mood: sick

Hey hey. I just wrote an essay for a scholarship at NNU, and I don't have anything better to do than to post it on here!

For as long as I can remember, I have been a person that strives to be the best at whatever I do. Whether that means with school activities, church activities, or in my social or family life. Doing something half-heartedly is a concept that rarely crosses my mind. If another person expects something from me, or if I expect something from myself, I try my hardest to fulfill and surpass the requirements. I also believe in integrity. There is no point of only doing something when others are watching, if you know you wouldn’t do it when you are alone. Integrity is one of the most important contributing factors to why I should be considered for being awarded the President’s Scholarship. Without it, I would not have accomplished anything that I have done throughout my high school years.
Being involved has been very important to me as I have gone through High School. Since freshman year, I have been a member of the Oregon City High School Jazz Band. Taking this class took a lot of effort on my part. Due to my dedication, I have grown in my abilities as a percussionist, to the point where I have received outstanding instrumentalist awards at festivals. Although Jazz Band has consumed much of my time, I have become a well-recognized leader at my school as well.
Starting my junior year, I became involved in Student Council. I was the ASB Secretary Treasurer my first year, and my senior year I won the position of ASB Activities Director. Even though a lot of student council work is done behind the scenes, (decorating dances, having meetings with administrators, putting up posters) everyone sees most of the work that I do. This year I have run all of the assemblies, lunch events, and spirit activities as master of ceremonies. It has been a great experience for me to be able to get behind the microphone and keep 2,300 students attention for an hour. One other leadership role that I have taken on in my senior year is being the head of a music club at my school. These leadership roles have given me a chance to step out of my comfort zone and to go out on a limb for other people.
Music and Leadership are two large parts of life, but there is one thing that has kept me strong enough to take on these tasks. That one thing is my relationship with God. I may have been a member of Oregon City Church of the Nazarene since 6th grade, but I have attended since I was about 2 years old. During my High School years at church, I have been a large part of the youth group. I regularly attend every service, activity, and retreat put on by the church. I have also been a member of the NYI council since I started attending youth group in 6th grade. My freshman year of high school I began to play in a Sunday morning worship team, and I have been faithful to that all along. There were various children’s programs that I have been involved in as well, such as After-school ministries, Summer Rec, and Vacation Bible School.
With all of these activities and responsibilities, I still found time to keep up a solid grade point average of 3.9. Taking the SAT and the ACT this last year and receiving scores of 1280 and 29 respectively, made all of the previous effort in school worth it. I made it a point to turn things in on time and pay attention in class so that I could get good grades and test scores and to someday be accepted at NNU and have a good chance at a decent future. A decent future to me doesn’t necessarily mean being a wealthy rock star, a published writer, or a famous movie star. It could mean those things. However, no matter what the future holds, I want to be found serving God with the gifts that he has granted me.

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Date:2004-02-09 20:58
Subject:I Thought I Knew...
Mood: loved

I’m fine by myself,
Without you is where I’m comfortable.
I’ll survive by myself,
What happened years ago means nothing to me now.

You died for me long ago.
But I’m still in sin.

You say that you know me,
But you have no idea what its like to be me,
To go through what I have to face every day,
To leave a lasting impression on others,
To be a teenager with a screwed up life and a broken home.

I’m worse by myself,
When I said no I didn’t mean it.
I won’t survive by myself,
What happened years ago means something to me now.

You died for me long ago,
And took on all my sin.

I thought that I knew you,
But I had no idea what it was like to be you,
To go through what you had to face every day,
To leave a lasting impression on others,
To be a human with a love filled life in a broken world.

I never gave you a chance to feel,
Taking away your merit was my escape.
You faced more than I will ever see,
You loved more than I’ll comprehend.
And so, when love comes through,
Piercing the thickest of all barriers,
Even rebels can become radicals,
Even those who are lost can be found.

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Date:2004-02-06 18:21
Subject:The Only Day I've Felt Weird... EVER
Mood: calm

Today was crazy... cool that is. I went to Calamity Janes with Joe, Jake, and Todd, it wassuper good. And then I went to Jake's house and hung out there for the rest of the day. It was coolya know? Yesterday was way tight because we went snowboarding right after school, and it was the best conditions ever man. I had a crazy dream last night, but I liked it, it was a cool dream. If you want to know what it was you should ask me. All I'll say is that it made me think about someone a lot today. I think I'm gonna call them right now actually. I'm out.

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Date:2004-01-30 22:57
Subject:Step Back for Once and Look at Yourself...
Mood: confused

So here I go being confused again. Everyone confuses me. Really, I have had the weirdest thoughts about everything. here's a few:

1. Don't you think it's weird when someone tells you to call them, and when you do you just sit there and listen to them talk to themself for ten minutes?

2. Or when your best friend likes a girl, and you are attracted to her too, but he just says they're friends, and she just wants to be friends, why do the two guys and her always flirt still? And why would the two best friends even consider liking the same girl when it could mess up their friendship in the longrun?

3. Why would a girl even act like shes interested in a guy when shes not? And why would any girl have a crush on some guy that shes never talked to before, when she knows that "the sweetest guy ever" takes time out to talk to her all the time?

4. How can people let themselves get so messed up in the head that they'll abandon their moral values for the exact opposite of what those values were? If they know that they've messed up, why don't they just start over, especially when there's always second chances?

Those are just a few of the things that I don't ever understand, there's more that I just didn't list here. Very few things in this world make sense anymore, and so I'm glad I'm fortunate enough to know the only unchanging truth. And that is in Jesus. I guess it doesn't really matter that nothing makes sense anymore, it doesn't have to. But it sure would be nice to have a little clarity, but I think everyone else needs it more.

I'm not saying that I don't confuse other people with some of the things that I do, because I probably do. But hopefully those will get smaller as I begin to better understand that there is something bigger than me, and everything else around me. Hopefully you'll understand that someday, and hopefully I can help.

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Date:2004-01-29 22:22
Subject:Are We Having Fun Yet?
Mood: weird

I am so confused right now. I never know what anything means anymore. Sometimes yes means no, and maybe means of course, and no means I'm scared. But you never know when. They could just mean what they're supposed to mean, but it always changes.

Somethings that never change are things like me being confused. I am quite often. But most of the time its when I know something is a certain way, absolutely sure of it, and then other people act in opposite ways of what I know. It doesn't make sense. Like me right now.

I just realized that sometimes It's hard for me to take a risk, but once I decide to take it, I go full force and don't look back. Since I already made the decision i get in as deep as i can without hesitation. Not with bad things... but not really with any things at all. Maybe a couple.

I like how I'll bring something up that is so vague and make it seem like you know what I'm talking about. When really you probably have no idea what any of this means at all. I want to know what it means too. Like a big code decipher cereal box thing. If all of this actually came together and spelled out an answer to the confusion and all the questions, not just some stupid thing about drinking more ovaltine.

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Date:2004-01-28 22:14
Subject:Don't Even Start...
Mood: aggravated

Whats wrong for you might be right for me. Moral Relitivism. What a bunch of crap. Stop being fake.

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Date:2004-01-28 21:22
Subject:Don't Fight the Things that You've Been Taught...
Mood: complacent

Oh man, it's hard to please everyone, especially myself. I really don't know what else to say...

God has been awesome lately, awesome. Once again showing me that I can't do anything without first giving it up to Him. God has always been awesome, I just didn't take enough time to notice it until recently.

You never know what you've got until it's gone. And you never know when it will go away. High School's almost over, but I don't think that this quote will really apply to that situation. I know that what I have will be gone, but what I have isn't worth missing. I don't know what I'm saying, maybe you do.

I'm glad I'm not a mean guy. I like being nice to people, I actually can't really be tough at all. My friend always used to say that I'm gonna marry a really hot girl when I grow up. He might be right. And I wish I knew... I like security. But sometimes security can make you comfortable. To the point of carelessness. And then you lose your security. I think that thats when you didn't know what you had until it was gone. Security. God, a wife, a family, friends, a house, a job, but none of that without God. I like to think I have security. I'd like to think that you like to think that too.

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Date:2004-01-25 01:10
Subject:An Informal Formal...
Mood: giggly

Wow, that was amazing. I just had one of the greatest times ever, and it was with good friends and an awesome girl! I think that I couldn't have possible had more fun than I did. Or danced more than I did. Or make any more people jealous than I did. I amaze myself, I really do. So yeah, it was worth everything.

Whitney, sorry, but I'm gonna have to do the quote thing every once and a while. I know it's kind of stealing your idea, but sometimes I just get quotes that have to be in livejournal for all to see. And as of right now, I don't have one to post. I thought I did, but it was extremely lame-o.

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Date:2004-01-22 18:24
Subject:You Never Stop to Think Anymore...
Mood: melancholy

This is a post in my JOURNAL! Don't you take it for granted. Sometime I'll die, and you'll realize that the thing you miss most about me is my journal.

Whitney, I got a quote.
"If the Neverending Story makes me a nerd, then I don't wanna be cool."

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my journal